Since this pregnancy and subsequent eventual birth and raising of this child has been what you would call an unexpected foray into parenthood for me, I have decided that I need all the help I can get, in preparing for the new life ahead. One such morsel of help I decided to partake in is the ‘Newborn Care’ class offered at Swedish hospital. Or as I like to affectionately call it “What the fuck to do with an infant class”. Because really, I have no clue what-so-ever what the fuck to do with an infant. The last time I changed a diaper was just after the new millennium. I don’t trust my judgment in the whole “mother’s intuition” department either. Just because I am carrying a child doesn’t mean I know what to do with one. Hence I decided to spend $45 on a class and let the experts tell me what the fuck to do with an infant.
The class started out benignly. We introduced ourselves, discussed the nuts and bolts of having a child, such as finding a pediatrician before the birth, what not to keep in the crib (absolutely nothing-not even bumpers), the correct temperature of the nursery (65-68 degrees), how many times you should be feeding your baby (10-12) and on the flip side how many times a day you will need to change your baby (coincidentally also 10-12), the importance of skin to skin contact, how to cut finger nails, the list goes on and on. My questions were beginning to get answered, and what is more no one else judged the questions you asked, no one looked at you with that half terrified half pitiful look on their face when you told them you didn’t know the umbilical cord stump falls off, you weren’t planning this, or that you have no idea whatsoever lies ahead. In short we were all in the same boat, and it felt good to know that I wasn’t the only one who didn’t know what to do in 9 weeks.
And then it was break time.
After the break the class took a more sinister turn; the instructor had four blank sheets of easel paper on the wall with only the words states of consciences, crying, feeding and 24 hours of baby. The instructor gave us the hard, not watered down facts of what we could expect for the 12 weeks following the birth. We had gotten to it, this is was the meat of the class. This is what we were all too terrified to ask or too blissfully unaware of what exactly was going to happen after birth. This is what exactly what will our lives be like after our bundles of joy are on the outside.
And she started to break it down, the baby will cry, the baby will be alert/fully awake for only 20-30 minutes a day, there will be diaper blowouts where even babies (and quite possibly your own) hair will be soiled, baby will cry for no apparent reason and you have the five S’s to help you through (swaddle, side, SHHHHHH, swing, suck—feed). She broke it down, broke down how much time we will be spending on each on baby duty, and coincidentally, according to her calculations once all feedings, diapers changed, cries consoled, clothes changed, bath taken (doesn’t always have to be a full bath it can be a sponge bath), and your own sleep has been snuck in somewhere in between you will have about 20-30 minutes of your own time. Now at this moment it was great fun to take a peak around the classroom and watch the horrified looks on everyone’s faces, I couldn’t figure out if they had (a) never thought this was actually going to be their reality or (b) they had never heard of how much work being a new parent really is. It was a bit of shocking news to say the least, but this is what we came to the class for, for the the hard honest facts that will hopefully equip us to be better parents. I wasn’t terrorized I was invigorated! I now know what exactly to expect!
There are so many parts to newborn infancy and I know we only covered the tippy top of the iceberg but it was really quite remarkable how much was put into our bag of tricks in a 3 hour period. And as for me the most terrifying part of the night was the whole umbilical stump part it falls off!?!? about two weeks after birth. A stump? falls off? my child? GROSS!
At the end of the night I left my ‘what the fuck to do with an infant class’ with a notebook full of notes and completely and totally empowered. Empowered with the knowledge there is no way possible to be even the least bit prepared for what lies ahead after the next 9 weeks, but I do know that, whatever it is that lies ahead I will always (a) try my best, (b) watch my child for the queues that it will give me, and most importantly (c) have fun with the experience, because after all my child will only be a newborn for so long, and I have the rest of my whole life to catch up on sleep.
